Why Pilates Scares the Hell Out of Me

Jacket: Forever 21 (4 years ago), Shirt: TJ Maxx, Skirt, Target, Necklace: Random shop in NYC (although they have similar ones at J. Crew), Watch: Michael Kors

 I read an article online today that REALLY hit home.

It was written by a yoga teacher who realized one day that (at a size 10... a very average size) she was bigger than ALL of the people in her yoga classes. She started to feel bad about that. REALLY bad. Insecure. It impacted her confidence and her practice... on and off the mat. She got to thinking that as a yoga TEACHER she should really "look  the part" (think a dancer/gymnast's typical body type). Ideally, long and lean, or petite... very petite. She didn't have that type of body though... she had a bigger frame than that. She was muscular and curvy. She had boobs. She had been on fad diets, fasts, and treated her body like shit over the years in an attempt to change the way it looks. Nothing worked. Long story short... after a lot of self-loathing she finally came to a place of acceptance and celebration, realizing that the entire point of yoga is  honoring where and who you are and THAT is what she needed to know/believe/live in order to be a great teacher.

Body image bullshit paralyzing you with fear...THAT, my friends, is the part of the article that resonated with me.

You see... I started doing Pilates in May and I love it. REALLY love it. So much so that I want to get my certification so I can teach. BUT... what was the very next thought that popped into my head after that???? Doubt. I IMMEDIATELY thought, SHIT... I don't "look" like a Pilates teacher... all thin, perfectly toned, and graceful. I look more like a linebacker than an effing Pilates teacher. I can't teach. Who wants to take Pilates from a person who doesn't "look" like a Pilates teacher???? And Oh LAWD... teacher training??? They will probably all be wondering what the hell I am doing there! I don't even own any Lululemon. Shit. Shit. Shit. Countless hours of training with women who have "real" Pilates bodies and then me... SHHHTFCKDAMN (and all the other curse words I know)! WAAAAAAAH...... (insert sad face).

Then it hit me!! What the hell???????????

That is no way to live... NOT doing something you love... something you might just be really good at someday, because you are scared that people will judge you and laugh at you? That is cop-out bullshit. I would slap the hell out of someone if they put their dreams to the side because they thought they didn't "look" the part. I'd say... it's your duty to change what "the part" looks like. To be a great teacher. To be an inspiration. To go against the grain and be fanfckingtastic.THAT is what I would say to someone else. SO... I decided to say it to myself.

I start teacher training in a few months.

I am saying this publicly so I won't back out like a punk. ShiiiitFckDaaaamn.


P.S.- Gayle (my Pilates teacher... who TOTALLY "looks the part")  if you are reading this...

THANK YOU for teaching me. Thank you for welcoming me. For encouraging me. For believing in me. For being my friend, and for believing that I can (someday) do for others what you have done for me. I am not being dramatic when I say that you have changed me from the inside out. I am stronger now... literally and figuratively.