Public Indecency

Romper: Vestique, Shoes: F21, Clutch: CRIV, Bracelets: Alex + Ani, Earrings: Versona

I wore this cut-out romper to dinner and drinks with some girlfriends recently.

I originally bought it and wore it for my 35th birthday, 3 1/2 years ago, and just wore it again for the first time. I love me a romper, man. One piece of clothing, and BOOM... you're dressed from head to toe. No coordinating, no tucking in, no hassle. You can eat and drink to your heart's desire in this one because there is no waistband. It's all good. That is... until you have to pee in public.

Then.... buck ass nakedness occurs.

Normally this nakedness occurs in some scummy bathroom stall. The kind with a gap between the door and the wall so if someone looks just right they are staring right back at you in all of your crouching vulnerability. Top off, bottoms down. Full frontal.

There is SO much going on in there. You're concentrating on squatting, lining the seat, balancing your clutch/purse under your armpit, creating enough distance between your legs to "catch" and hold the article of clothing before it falls into a puddle at your ankles (laying on the disgusting, sticky, floor).

Going to the bathroom in a romper should be an Olympic sport. It is an art. It takes time, patience, balance, athleticism, and an unhealthy dedication to the cause. I don't know why I wear them so often. They are dangerous for me. I'm serious. I'm clumsy as shit. I mean... I have great core strength and balance from teaching Pilates, but I trip. I fall. I drop things. I'm a mess on two legs. For real. My husband pokes fun at me all of the time. I am the type of person that will try to get a glass bowl off of the top shelf by climing onto the counter to reach for it. I'll get it, then I'll drop it. Shatter it. Then I will half fall off the counter type-shit. I should walk around with caution tape streaming from my shoulders.

True story, last week, in THE.SAME.DAY I....

• Stubbed my toe to the point of losing my breath whilst making our bed. 
• Slipped on a puddle of dog pee in the hallway. Foot covered in it. 
• Spilled an enormous bottle of water off of the end table on to the floor. 
• Forgot to bring my towel to the shower, got out, tip-toeing, dripping wet, to make it back into the shower safely- only to then smash my hand into the shower door. I was apparently drying my back quite aggressively, let go of the towel, and my hand flung (at warp-speed) against the shower glass. There was blood. Hurt like hell. 
• Cut my other hand with a knife making dinner. 
• Tripped over my phone charger cord TWO TIMES sending my phone crashing from the counter to the hardwood floors. 

That's a typical day in the life for me.

I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house unsupervised, let alone wear an article of clothing that requires the utilization of such fine motor skills.