Low Lights and Porn

Romper: Vivian B (3 yrs ago) it's by Dolce Vida, Shoes: F21, Necklace: Celene Stones (email Krista for your own, tell her you saw her stuff here and get 15% off - CeleneStones@gmail.com), Clutch: ?

So... I toned down the insanely white platinum hair I had been rockin' since January. Can't lie. I kind of miss it already. I think I got a bit of a case of Blonde-O-Rexia having it that light though. Like... it just kept getting whiter and whiter and I couldn't see it for what it really was. Any whiter and I would have been automatically signed up for AARP. No one would have batted an eye if I strolled into The Golden Coral at 4:30 for dinner and asked for the senior citizen discount.

I knew it was getting out of hand when my Mom was visiting and said... "Honey... what's up with this hair? What color is this, anyway?" Hahaha... leave it to moms to call your out when you've gone too far. I would have scissor kicked anyone else in the teeth for saying that (like... "biiitch who asked you???") but your mom can pretty much say anything she wants to you and you just kind of have to listen to it. I mean, I gave her a colossal eye roll at the time, but now here I am... with a head full of low lights. Damn you, Lisa.

I can hear her now... "Yeah, honey, that's better. Now you look more like my Sweetie Muff." That... by the way... (Sweetie Muff) was not a typo.

It's short for "Sweetie Muffin". I have no idea where she came up with that, or why, but my whole life my Mom has referred to me as her "Sweetie Muffin". At some point in my childhood she shortened it to Sweetie Muff. It wasn't until I became a teenager and realized that "Muff" is slang for vagina that it became weird. Real weird.

One day she was hugging me and said... "Oh, Sweetie Muff... Mama loves you" and I was like... "Uh, Ma... muff is another word for a woman's vagina. So... essentially your nickname for me is Sweetie Vagina. Maybe you don't shorten it up anymore? Huh?"

She turned her nose up and then looked at me with this disgusted, offended look and said... "Oh, Mis YOU'RE GROSSSSS. NO one would ever think that except you. You little dirtbag!"

Uhhhh... doubtful, Ma. I'm pretty sure everyone else would think that.

She was so convinced that I was the only scumbag on earth that when e-mail first became a big thing and we got the internet at our house <<yes, I am that old>> she was creating email addresses for all of us kids to have. Mine was... wait for it... SweetieMuff80@yahoo.com.

WHAAAAAAT????!?!??!!?!?!?!? MAAAA????? Really? And she told me all smugly. So proud of herself for knowing what the internet was, getting it, AND thinking up creative email addresses for all of us.  

I was mortified.

I never used that e-mail address in my life. I'd put money on the fact that the only emails in that inbox are advertisements for porn, solicitations from creepy phone sex hotlines, and weirdos in the market for a mail order bride.

Oh man, that shit is funny now though. Sweetie Muff. Hilarious.

And... old habits die hard I guess, because he called me "Sweetie Muff" just today. On Facebook. Yup. Publicly, on Facebook. Gahhhh. This woman.

 Moms. Gotta love 'em.