Permission to SHINE

Skirt / Earrings: CRIV, Shirt: Vestique, Purse: Versona, Shoes: Nordstrom, Stone Bracelet: Kendra Scott

When we are little, our parents and teachers (if we had decent ones at least), said things to us like...

"You can be whatever you want to be."
"The sky is the limit."
"If you try and don't succeed, try, and try again."

As we get older though, that kind of support and expression tends to dwindle. As in, parents clap when their little ones learn how to walk and begin to recite the alphabet song - but as you get older, that naturally dies down a bit and and (perhaps as a result) we stop getting so excited about learning (and a bit more apprehensive to try new things).

Perhaps fear of judgement infiltrates our brain - once we see that people make fun of those who act/dress/express themselves differently we learn to avoid doing and saying things that may make us a target for other people's judgement. We stop thinking that we can be and do whatever we want, that we can try over and over and that failing is okay. That stumbling is an unavoidable part of learning. We start to fear "looking stupid"and being made fun of.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I've been painting again.

I painted a lot in high school. When I went home for my HS reunion I was reminded of that, and now... 20 years later... I am painting again. I have shared some photos of my paintings on social media and I have (lovingly) heard quite a few people say...

"OMG, what can't you do???"
"Everything you touch turns to gold!"
"You are SO talented!!!"

I am a human being, so those comments feel nice when I read them, but I then go on to over think and dissect them in my head.
After compliments like that I find myself going STRAIGHT into self-deprecation mode. Replying to positive comments with a laundry list of things I suck at (math, accounting, defensive driving, technology, knowing my left from my right, science things, etc.). I feel the need to make light of  compliments and I go to that place in my head where I start to get nervous. Because... for every sweet, positive, uplifting comment, there are probably AT LEAST the same (if not double) the amount of people looking at what I put out there and judging it negatively.

"Who does she think she is?"
"Umm.... those paintings blow goats."
"Abstract?? I don't get it."
"She's actually NOT that talented, why are all of these people gassing her up?"


HOLY MIND FK, BATMAN! 

I'll tell you the truth...

I am NOT good at everything.
Shocker - I know! For a minute there maybe you thought I was the one person on the planet who was. Sadly, no.

Also... everything I touch does NOT turn to gold.
Most things I work at. Hard. I work at my corporate job and at being a knowledgeable Pilates teacher. I put a lot of time into painting and trying new techniques. I used to aggressively work on building a skincare business... until that no longer felt right and authentic for me to be doing. Whatever I am into I am IN. TO. IT and I do it with my whole ass. (I try not to half-ass anything.) I also put things DOWN when they no longer serve me. I share what I like and what I am excited about. If you're into it too, cool! If not, that's cool too. 

I am no more talented than most other people walking around.
I've met people who are insanely intelligent, skilled, gifted... if I'm being dead ass honest, I don't share that God-given gift of just being naturally good at things. I have to work hard at pretty much everything. When I went to learn Pilates, I practiced, A LOT. I still do. When I went to build a business, I read books, podcasts, was mentored, watched trainings, and I did things before I was ready.

There are millions of people out there with more talent than I have. You know what I do though??? I share. I put myself out there. I do things WAY before it's comfortable for me to be doing them. I fall flat on my ever loving face (in front of people) and understand that it's okay to do so. I love myself through the mess. I got really sick and almost died a few years back... that shit will WAKE YOUR ASS UP. You can't be THAT close to dying and come out of it still giving a shit what people think.

Here's one of the hardest lessons to learn...
The people closest to you will be some of the most unsupportive people out there. It won't (more than likely) be strangers. It will be people in your family, who live under the same roof, who used to be your closest friends, your siblings, etc. People closest to you either A.) Don't want you to grow (they will say you've changed) because they were more comfortable with the way you were. OR B.) Your growth will force a mirror in front of them and if they don't like what they are seeing they will resent you.
Watch and listen to HOW people DIS others... what they say will clue you into THEIR unhealed wounds. For example...  if you lose some weight, focus on fitness and health, and start to become more confident, someone WILL call you conceded.  Chances are... those people are not happy with their bodies.  If you launch a business and it doesn't sky rocket into overnight success, SOMEONE out there will claim that you have failed. They will talk shit. Maaaaybe it's just that they are ashamed that they don't have the same courage. Strangers will hit the "like" button. Your old friends... they will keep scrolling.

Please listen when I tell you this... happy, healed, fulfilled people don't go around trying to make other people feel bad about themselves. THEY JUST DON'T. Keep that in mind the next time you find yourself shrinking back, backing down, waiting for the perfect time, aiming for perfection, or telling yourself you are less talented than someone else.  Find something you like. Do it. If no one else likes it or loves you through it, I promise you will live. I PROMISE YOU WILL LIVE (and maybe even feel like you have truly started living).

Fortune favors the bold, baby. Get yours.