Men Are From Mars

Dress: Some Boutique in Cornelius, Earrings and Ring: Lotus, Clutch: Shop Olive Online, Watch: Michael Kors

1. I wore this dress this past weekend. I bought it off season (last winter) at some boutique on super duper sale. It was a $120 dress that I scored for... wait for it... $19 bucks! Not a typo. Nineteen US dollars. BOOM! It was the last one they had and it was labeled "One Size Fits All". Really?! I almost didn't even try it on because the tag was so annoying. How is that even a thing? It makes zero sense. "One Size Fits All." That is some bullshit if I have ever heard it.

2. There is no doubt in my mind that women and men are completely different. None more different perhaps than my manfriend and me. For example:
  • He is a carnivore (biiiiiig time). I'd be okay if I never ate meat again. 
  • He can get ready to leave the house (and look damn fine) in 8 minutes. Me... not so much. 
  • I'm a clean freak. Him... not so much. 
  • He likes action movies. I like movies that move me to tears. 
  • I like words. He likes numbers. Numbers make me sweat. I can barely divide.
  • I like the sun. He likes the shade.
  • I like veggies. His idea of a salad is if lettuce and tomato come on his burger.
  • I much prefer text/e-mail and loathe talking on the phone. If you e-mail him, expect a response mid-2017. 
  • He is a total gadgets guy and could build me a fully functioning computer complete with Skype capabilities out of leftover parts from a toaster. I can barley figure out how to put my phone on silent. 
There are many differences between the two of us, and I have known this for a long time, but something happened last night that really drove it home. I opened up the freezer to fix the ice machine and I saw a quart of Slow Churned, Edy's Vanilla Ice Cream. It was unopened. He bought it last Sunday when he was "craving" ice cream and "forgot" about it. WHAAAA???? Who the hell does that?!?!?  Just "forgets" about ice cream that they bought 30 minutes earlier?

If I am craving ice cream, the only thing I forget to do is put it away before my spoon hits the empty cardboard bottom. I may "forget" to put chocolate sauce on top of it because I am too busy housing it, but I would never forget it was in the freezer?!?!? I may forget that getting a plastic spoon from the grocery store and eating it  in my car at stop lights is not socially acceptable, but I would not forget to eat it. I swear I would hear it calling to me every time I entered the kitchen. "Melissa... come save me from this cold freezer. I'd be much more comfortable in your warm, 98.6 degree belly... that is, before I transfer to my permanent resting place...the back of your thighs. Which leads me to our last, and perhaps most infuriating difference.
  • He has ABS. Son of a B...

1 comment:

  1. Hahahahaha.... I couldn't finish reading this without wiping the tears away!!! I love this. Totally me especially when you were speaking of the ice cream! If I get a craving for ice cream and go buy it, they'll be no waiting to eat it if all possible! I'm eating it on the way home or out of the box as soon as I get home. How can you forget!!?? But the best part was your ending.... I spit my drink out laughing! :-)